WHY YORUBA MEN ARE THE REAL PROBLEM OF NIGERIA (PART TWO).

Yoruba Men Have Been Losing Ever Since Fela Died - Obafemi Awolowo. 1990. 

Original Story --> Ese Walters

Madam Ese Walters makes several claims in her expose which we will examine. 

1. While there, he sat on a reclining chair and asked me to come sit on his laps. This was a bit awkward for me and I froze for a moment as I asked why. He said he had told me to feel free with him and loosen up. I found myself strolling to sit on his laps. At that moment, I felt like a little girl who was experiencing something her mind couldn’t fathom. He asked me to kiss him and all I could think about was seeing him preach on the pulpit back in COZA Abuja, Nigeria, which was my home church. He again said ‘feel free Ese.’ And asked again, that I kiss him. A few hours later, let’s just say, we were rolling under the sheets. It felt as though my mind had paused. I am not saying I was jazzed, (although it’s possible I was in some trancelike state and didn’t know it but I just was so afraid that I couldn’t say or think otherwise.) That was the beginning of this affair. A sexual affair that went on for a little over a week, DAILY!

LOL why are you sitting on a grown man's laps? The guy na Santa Claus? Talking about I froze, no be only froze.  So she had sex with homie for a week, daily. And her conscience went on a vacation for said week?  But Pastor said 'Feel Free Ese'. Lmao these yoruba niggaz bruh, 'Feel Free To suck this dick tho'. 

2.  I can hear somebody’s mind thinking, ‘well, you weren’t raped.” And I remember a pastor I opened up to when I couldn’t take all the mind games asking if I seduced him. No, I didn’t seduce him and no, I wasn’t raped but I felt trapped in this affair. Come to think of it, how could I have seduced him when I wanted nothing from him? I mean, I was too busy minding my business in London trying to get through with my masters program and I was overly comfortable. And even if I wanted to seduce anyone, it wouldn’t be a married man, not to mention a married pastor. What I couldn’t reconcile the whole time, was how the same person who preached against the very things we were doing (i.e drinking in pubs, fornicating, committing adultery) was the same person endorsing and encouraging it.

She said she felt trapped in the affair? What kind of trap is it where the man lets you leave the hotel and come back for a week straight? Trapped ko, trapped in the closet ni. 
I mean lets not be to harsh on Miss Ese, after all the bible does say 'All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God'. Bible didn't say nothing about a 'week short' tho. But who am i to judge these things? Not like I belong to a Pastoral Care Unit or anything. 



3. At some point, I got really confused about what Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo and I were doing that I had to ask how he handles it. I will never forget what he said to me. He said and I quote, “I will teach you a level of grace that you don’t understand.” My mind couldn’t fathom that somehow grace was enough covering for not just fornication on my path, adultery on his path and the many lies that was bound to follow what we were doing that was clearly abominable. 



Some of you may be rolling your eyes at 'I will teach you a level of grace'. But it is important to examine the origins of said phrase. The first man to teach a woman a level of grace she could not understand was Abraham, the father of all nations. When Hagar said to him 'But Sir you have a wife?' Abraham replied 'Shh let me teach you a level of grace you don't understand'. The second man to teach a woman a level of grace was King David after Uriah's wife asked him 'But my Lord, I have a Husband". To which King David replied 'Sshh let me teach you a level of grace you don't understand'. As we can see, various men of God have indeed been able to teach various women a level of grace that they could not possibly understand. Pastor Biodun was just following in the footsteps of great men of God who came before him. 

In conclusion, Miss Ese Walters is still guilty of one offense.  Hoeism which is a disorder that makes certain women forget their virtue when it becomes an inconvenience and then when convenient, go back to said virtue. See the fact of the matter is at any point, Miss Ese had the power to walk out the door and never come back but she sat on Oga Pastor's laps, and they 'rolled in the sheets' for a week straight. DAILY!!! So what are we to conclude? 

#PastorDickHadMeLike Have you seen my morals? I must have misplaced them. 
#PastorDickHadMeLike Orgasm first. Jesus Second. 
#PastorDickHadMeLike Only God can Judge me
#PastorDickHadMeLike Fuck not my anointed
#PastorDickHadMeLike A lil orgasm never hurt nobody


This Life is Just a Pot Of Beans Bruh.

WHY YORUBA WOMEN ARE THE REAL PROBLEM OF NIGERIA

The key to happiness is to eliminate all Yoruba women from your life - Wole Soyinka. 1992.



Before you continue reading, please read the original post here --> Aunty Akindele's Story

So Aunty Akindele makes several claims in this testimony of hers that we need to address.


1." It was not until January 2011 that God began to speak to me so clearly. At the start of January, I awoke at 3am to a bright light shining in my bedroom. There, standing by my wardrobe was a very tall angel dressed in sparkling white robes.

I was so happy. I had no clue when Dayo’s salvation would take place or when our wedding would be but I trusted in the Lord and even bought my wedding dress and started making wedding plans.

After this, for the next two years, every night at 3am, I would be awoken by the Holy Spirit and be taken to Heaven where I would spend time with the Lord and He would tell me various things about what would happen in my life in the future, as well as about the relationship that he had planned for Dayo and I.

One of the key things that Jesus told me during one of my visits was that He himself would bind Dayo and I together with cords of love that cannot be broken and that we will be joined together when we are made of the same material."

No be only sparkling white robes abeg shift. So instead of solving world hunger, Aids, natural disasters, God has been busy giving tour de france to yoruba women at 3am in heaven? See this is why young Nigerian men have to skype their women before they sleep and even after their women have gone to sleep, keep the skype video open and watch them as they sleep. Your woman tells you she's going to bed at 12am, unbeknownst to you she's sneaking out of the house at 3am to go to heaven. Why? You really can't trust these women b. You catch your fiancée wit an angel at 3am after she told you she was going to bed. You gotta let her know that's her new man now.

2. But God is so faithful. And He always has a plan. Just before my 25th birthday last year, an angel came to my bedside, bringing a loaf of bread for me to eat. The Holy spirit explained to me that the bread is the Word of the Lord and that dwelling on the Word will bring strength to my spirit.The word of the Lord is the bread that sustains us and that is exactly what kept me going through what was set to be like the lowest point during the two year period of waiting on the Lord for Dayo’s salvation. It was a couple of days after the angel had brought me the bread, that my father had informed me that Dayo had asked for my hand in marriage – and that he had objected to it."

Hmm which is easier to believe? That an angel would bring Aunty loaf of bread to eat? Or that Aunty Akindele would hallucinate about eating bread because of all the fasting and prayer she had done in regards to finding a husband. Try fasting and praying for a week, and tell me if you won't see Jesus dancing Skelewu with angels as well.

3. And thus began the start of something good. Until the night after our second date, when we were speaking on the phone and I asked him which church he attended. It was at this point that he went silent on the phone. He then said he had something to tell me, something that he had wanted to tell me face to face. I urged him to go on and that’s when he finally told me that he was a Muslim!

I honestly felt like I’d been slapped in the face by a mighty wave of shock and disbelief. Nevertheless, I simply informed him that we would just have to be friends and that as a believer in Christ, there would be no way that our relationship could go further towards the road of marriage.

Slap in the face because she found out her future husband to be was Muslim? But to suggest that her husband could not find salvation because he was Muslim is all kinds of ignorant. But what do I know? I'm not the one going on dates with God at 3am so let me just shut up.

In Conclusion: 

Quote 1. : What we usually pray to God is not that His will be done, but that He approve ours"

Quote 2.: The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world.

Quote 3. : I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. 

IGBOBI SMELLS LIKE A POT OF BEANS

Writers block: let the music be right

Needless to say, Igbobi hospital accused me of faking the pain that caused me to lay next to the chick who wouldn't stop shitting and the guy with the gunshot wound and no shirt...we all shared and exchanged flies...yet these ignorant barely graduate educated yahoo boys disguised as medical practitioners accused me of faking the pain in my leg because I demanded for morphine...now I have no left hip! 

I stayed in the hospital ward at Igbobi for four days, during which I took a shit NOT once. It happened when I asked aunty Ayo the nurse for a bedside commode or a bed pan and she said to me "Shebi ofe ya igbe Ni? Ehn duro fun girl ti o wa Ni Egbe e Lati lo po tan" (if youre trying to take a shit, wait for the lady next to u to finish, then use the bedpan) there was an everlasting wait for the "psyche!!!" That never came. So I did like prison and kept my barely waxed asshole tight.

Three more days of excruciating pain and a stiff bowel, they decided I was having a sickle cell crisis and needed blood transfusion. Clap for them. We are making progress. My now anxious-crazy looking-tired dad who hadn't change his clothes in 3 days and was at risk of people pulling coins out of their bags to "Shanu fun" hurriedly submitted himself for the humiliation of not being "qualified" to be a donor. Then the phone calls started rolling out and in 2hours, naija music industry was highly represented at the hospital. I had loosekaynon from c.b.n/loopy;  Vina from big brother; Moyo from m.et.al and even those chyko boys that sang "oya"...Shebi one person will pass this blood drive jamb? 

A blood transfusion later, I was starting to feel better. The goal was to be able to get the fuck out of there! I had enough. They kept my medicine in a cabinet and I swear, every hour, someone went in there to initiate me in the "sharing is caring" movement and gave my supplies out. I didn't mind but damn! 

My flip flops decided to take a walk, my pillow vamoused and my body was manna for the gangsta-steroid abusing mosquitoes on the hospital premises. I started to fear that I might leave there with aids, cholera and constipation...all join, it was a genuine concern. 

Every night I went to sleep in my co-Ed hospital ward, I would catch a glimpse of the guy who came in with a gunshot wound from attempted robbery. My insomnia came in handy as the only way he passed time was to stare at me for hours as if to say "I dare you to fall asleep, you gon learn today." 

In excruciating pain, my friends seemed too afraid to come inside the ward. they would peek from the door, wave and shake their heads. I started to think I had something contagious...come to find out, our superhero-no speedo nurses had told them not to come near me because I would remember to fake the grunt. Lobatan, lai se Rick Ross. 

Discharge day, I summoned all the strength in me and took some frm the chatty armed robber across me, I wanted out! I couldn't wait! I was called all sorts of "ole, Americana, ajebutter" none of which bugged me until our smart aunty Ayo the nurse suggested that I was faking all the pain, all the tears, all the wishes to kill myself....she decided that I made all that up. She was certain that NO sickle cell crisis presented itself in such a painful manner. The one time she decided to administer pain medicine to me, she walks up to me holding this horse tranquilizer and asked me to "turn my yansh" so she could "shook me merecine" ...I looked at her and in the calmest way possible, said "if u move closer, I will pullout your right eye with that needle"

I managed to leave that hospital in almost one piece....to think, this was the beginning of the end of the pain....

As a great man once said, 'This Life is just a pot of beans and one should rather die than be admitted into a Nigerian Hospital"

THIS LIFE IS A POT OF BEANS (FIFA EDITION)

Before we delve into matters, we need to handle some house cleaning first and explain to our readers how this blog works. There are two authors on this blog and there will be a post once a week every Friday.




Quote: Everybody calls himself a friend, but only a fool relies on it; nothing is commoner than the name, nothing rarer than the thing".

There is an old African proverb that says "This Life is Just a Pot of Beans". Ok I lie, there is no proverb that says that but there should have been one because that proverb is so apt. I'm still undecided on whether what I'm about to write on is appropriate for a blog post but I will let you wonderful readers decide.

I got an invite this past week from an "old friend" inviting me to his wedding. Normally I would be excited for my nigga, but this nigga had committed one of the seven deadly sins in the Guy Code Rulebook. See this nigga right here had slept with my ex-girlfriend behind my back and man I wish I could say it didn't bother me. I mean she was my ex, who ever she decided to sleep with is her business innit? But fam, a homie who would sleep with your ex would sleep with your wife.  How did I find out? Said ex called me sometime in September of last year to meet up with her and talk, because she was going through somethings and she needed a "friend" who she could rely on. Mind you, we had been broken up for over 3 months and I didn't feel like there was any "resentment". The breakup had been watchamacallit "cordial". I mean nobody died or went to prison so that's my definition of cordial.

Being a great "friend" I drove to her place to see what was up with madam. In my head, I assumed she wanted to talk about the family problems she was going through, but alas the story turned into "I feel that guys have been playing me for a fool recently". Light bulbs immediately started going off in my head, I asked madam "please what do you mean?". She said, 'my friends think that you played me for a fool and I feel like the recent guy that I messed with also played me for a fool'. In my head I was like 'Lord please tell me this girl ain't make me drive 30 miles and spend $40 on gas in this economy to tell me she slept with another nigga. Lord please tell me this ain't so". Chick proceeded to drop the bombshell that she had slept with "said homie" and that she did it to prove that she wasn't a fool. What she told me next makes me laugh till this day. She said "When I asked homie is he your friend, he told me. I only play Fifa with Yours Truly from time to time". LMAO!!. Yo, ur homies be like "I don't know that nigga. I only play Fifa with that nigga from time to time". Now it is important to give a brief history of how niggaz been betraying their homies over the centuries. Peter denied Jesus and when asked how close he and Jesus were, he replied 'we only play Ludo from time to time'. If Jesus can be denied, how much more a mere human being like myself.

What bothered man pikin most about this whole thing was, the entire summer this nigga had been over at my place and we had hung out and he never once mentioned the fact that he had slept with my ex. So the entire time, this nigga was enjoying my air conditioning, playing my video games, enjoying my motherfucking hospitality and thinking to himself "i fucked his ex, HEONO". *This life really a pot of beans bruh* I wondered whether to take this development as Karma because I had hooked up with a girl who one of my friends had "feelings" for behind his back and I never considered it as trifling because said friend was already in a relationship with another girl when I hooked up with the other girl he had feelings for. I don't know what the guy code rulebook says about that, any enlightenment on that will be appreciated.

Back to the matter tho, to the said wedding invite. To be honest, when I got the invite my first thought was "Fuck that nigga. Fuck his woman. Fuck his Wedding. Fuck everybody who attend that trifling ass nigga wedding. Fuck his wedding cake. Fuck his caterer. Fuck his priest *Uncle Ruckus Voice*. Clearly, I couldn't respond to a nigga wedding invite with this initial thought, I'm an adult now. I can't be saying the first thing that pops in my head, but there's no crime in thinking them and putting them on a blog though.

In conclusion, some of you have had something similar happen to you, whether it was a boyfriend cheating on you with a woman you knew, a girlfriend cheating on you with a best friend. Or somebody really betraying your trust in a fucked up way. What would you do if one of those people sent you a wedding invite? I guess Jesus did say we should turn the other cheek when we've been hurt ya know?  Be the bigger person, let go and let God is what somepeople will say. At some point in life you have to forgive people for the hurt and betrayal they've put you through and attend their wedding since your supposed to be happy for them blah blah blah blah blah. You know what, fuck that nigga life, fuck that nigga wedding, fuck that nigga wife, fuck that nigga kids, fuck that nigga Honeymoon, fuck that nigga future anniversary, fuck that nigga wedding invite, fuck that nigga wedding cake, fuck that nigga wife bouquet,  i hope somebody spill red wine on his wife white wedding dress". I really should end this post on a positive note but I gotta go play Fifa.

SOMETHING HUGE CAME UP (ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY)

Good Day. Ladies & Gentlemen of the Nigerian Online Community.

The first year anniversary of "Something Huge Came Up" is here. We felt that it was appropriate to pay our respects to this momentous moment in Nigerian Twitter & Entertainment History. Before we begin, it is important to explore the origins of the phrase "Something Huge Came Up" and show when it was first used in Human History. 

The phrase "Something Huge Came Up" was first used by Adam in the Garden of Eden when God asked him "Bros why you and your woman chop the fruit when I specifically tell una not to chop am?". Adam replied "Something Huge Came up". The phrase was also used in 700 B.C when a young Carpenter called Joseph came home to find his Virgin wife Mary with child and asked her "How cometh thou upon the belle that you now carrieth?". Mary replied with "Something Huge Came Up". 

As you all can see, the phrase has been used at various times in human history. However, the term did not come to prominence in Nigerian History until the Summer of 2012 when a Wizkid Concert scheduled in California got cancelled with the excuse "Something Huge Came Up" by the Tour Manager. For the purposes of this post the tour manager shall be aptly called as Mr. T. It is important to map out a timeline of how we came to the use of this phrase and in order to do that, we must trace back our steps to the fateful day of Saturday July 14th 2012. 

On that day yours truly, got a phone call from Mr. T asking whether yours truly would be interested in hosting a Wizkid Concert in California seeing as Mr. Wizkid at that time, was planning a United States Tour. I was initially skeptical, because the previous summer Mr. Wizkid had planned a summer tour and had been forced to cancel it due to the fact that the U.S Embassy denied him Visa. As an event planner, there is nothing more terrible than promoting an event and having to cancel it with one excuse or the other. Any cancellations or failed events make a big dent on your brand name. With that skepticism in mind, I asked Mr. T to give me his word that Wizkid would indeed perform in California and he would not flake on us like the last time. Mr. T gave me his word and after the phone call preparations for the concert began in earnest. The concert was scheduled for Friday August 17th 2012 and the performers were going to be Wizkid and Skales. With all this in mind, promotion for the concert began, i and my team went around California promoting the biggest concert of the summer. I would be lying if I said man pikin wasn't looking forward to this concert b, not only had I promised babes back stage passes I was hoping to score some chicks for myself as in "head nigga in charge" parolzz. 

Fast forward to the Monday night August 13th, Mr T gave me a call and dropped the biggest bombshell of the summer. "Fam, Something Huge Came up we have to cancel the concert for this coming Friday". (I kid you not, this nigga cancelled a concert by saying "Something Huge Came Up).  I'm pretty used to handling disappointments and so I took this disappointment pretty well, I tried to reason with him on why he should not cancel the concert but his mind was pretty much made up. After I got off the phone with Mr. T, I had two main concerns. The first was "I had just lost all the pussy I hoped to get with this event. The second was, "I hope these uppity ass EME niggaz were planning to refund people for the tickets they had bought". I was especially concerned that they would not refund the money for the tickets, because the previous year after they had cancelled the concert after Wizkid was denied Visa they had not refunded any ticket money to people who had bought tickets to attend the show. They didn't have a good track record to begin with. 

In order to make sure they refunded the money to ticket buyers, we mounted a twitter/online campaign for the next three days to get them to refund the ticket money to the people in our beloved state who had bought tickets to see Mr. StarBoy aka Mr. Wizkid. After the first day of going off on twitter like a man possessed, I got a call from Mr. W the CEO of EME who expressed his disappointment that they were unable to make it to the show and promised to make it out to California the next summer. I thanked Mr. W for his call and promised to stop going off on twitter and wait for him to tweet a "press release" taking all blame so there would be no backlash on my promo company. Mr. W told yours truly that he understand how yours truly felt, and that he would be mad as well if somebody had cancelled on him. Yours truly thanked Mr. W for understanding and promised to shut the fuck up on twitter and not burn any more bridges. After getting off the phone with Mr. W, yours truly had some time to reflect on said conversation. See when a man tells you, "I understand how you feel" it's way different than when he says to you "I know how you feel". And if I'm being honest, I did not want Mr. W to "understand how I felt", I wanted him to "Know how it felt". I wanted him to know how it felt to see all your hard work come crashing down and see your brand take a hit because somebody else would not keep their word and stick to a deal. Suffice it to say that I did not keep my word to Mr. W, I and my team kept on with the twitter campaign of 'slandering that nigga and his label till they refunded the people of California the money for our tickets'. At first, it seemed like our campaign was not working, none of the Nigerian blogs were paying attention to our plight, and none of them would carry our story. On the third day of the campaign, word came to yours truly that Mr. W had told a female friend of his that she should not bother buying tickets to the California show because they never planned on coming. Text Screen shots were provided that showed said female friend expressing to another 'individual' why she didn't buy tickets to the California show because she knew Wizkid and co never planned to show up. After said screen shots were published, all the Nigerian Blogs picked up the story and accused Mr. W and his label of Fraud. (If at anytime you doubt this story , go on google and type in 'Banky W. U.S Fraud Scandal). As the news of this alleged fraud spread like wild fire, Mr. W gave yours truly another call and this call was slightly #howdoIputthisdelicately laden with cuss words that would make a New Yorker blush. Mr. W expressed outrage that yours truly had released the said screen shot and accused yours truly of going back on my word to stop with the "twitter campaign" and furthermore, accused yours truly of seeking to destroy a brand that he had worked so hard to build. What was most amusing about this angry rant by Mr. W was how 'disgusted' he was that yours truly had gone back on my word to stop with the twitter campaign. Apparently, yours truly was 'less of a man' for failing to keep to my word. See the funny thing about this exchange was, at no point did Mr. W note the irony in his own statement. He failed to note that it was him and his team who had indeed gone back on their word, their word that had been given on Saturday July 14th, 2012. That same word that they had broken with the phrase "Something Huge Came Up". When Mr. W and Co break their word, it falls under the roof of "something huge came up". When yours truly and his team break their word it falls under the "Have you no honor? *Spartacus Voice*.
 Suffice it to say that by the end of that day, all the refunds for the show was wired to our bank account and in exchange for damages and refunds, Mr W and co requested that my team put out a press release absolving them of all wrong doing etc etc etc. This whole saga showed me the lengths a man would go to protect his reputation when he feels his entire brand is being threatened. It reminded me of a quote that states "Many a Man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street". Suffice it to say that Mr. W's reputation and character would not recognize each other if they met on the street of Ebutte Metta". (I use the word Suffice tomuch, yeah nigga that's my new word.)

What did We learn from this Saga:  

1. Always demand a contract in any business transaction. 

2. If that nigga a Nigerian, demand  two contracts. 

3. If that nigga Nigerian and Yoruba, sign 5 contracts. LMAO (I kid. I kid ). 

4. The masses are extremely fickle. It always amused me how a bunch of people would message me privately asking me to take Mr. W to court and these were people you would think were cool with his label. Never rely on the crowd for anything because they are fickle. The same bloggers who had initially refused to carry the story so as not to offend Mr. W and Co, ran to carry the story when they realized it could no longer be ignored after the screen shots were released. Bloggers who would "famz" with said label never once bothered to verify whether any of the allegations against Mr. W and co were true, they did not care. 

5. A great man once said "they love you then they hate you then they love you again" - Wale

6. Quote: "Fame is an illusive thing / here today, gone tomorrow. The fickle, shallow mob raises its heroes to the pinnacle of approval today and hurls them into oblivion tomorrow at the slightest whim; cheers today, hisses tomorrow; utter forgetfulness in a few months."

7. When we released the press release absolving Mr. W and Co of all wrong doing, the same bloggers who had been in our own corner shouting for us to take the music label to court. Those same bloggers turned around and came after yours truly, going after me like they had gone after Mr. W just a few days earlier. Fickle I tell ya. Fickle. 

8. For many centuries, many philosophers have struggled with the age old puzzle of the "Meaning of Life". See we may not know the meaning of life. However, what we do know is that "THIS LIFE IS JUST A POT OF BEANS".